Valentine's In Studio Guest
by G.L. Peabody
Summary: Ozzy makes an appearance at WKRP when the station sponsors the Cincinnati stop on his '82 Diary of a Madman Tour. Jerry Springer pops in, as well as characters Will Ferrill created for Saturday Night Live...
1. Another Johnny

WKRP traffic director Bailey Quarters was on the phone when director of sales Herb Tarlek and news director Les Nessman entered the bullpen. Not too proud to eavesdrop, they listened in on Bailey's end of the conversation:

"So did you have a happy New Year?"

"Uh, huh, that's nice"

"Mine was OK, but my date was a cold fish" Bailey laughed

"How is John doing?"

Herb kept leaning closer, and Bailey gave him an evil glare. Arthur "Big Guy" Carlson, the station manager, came walking through.

"Meeting in my office, right now." Carlson said. Nessman and Tarlek followed him. Bailey stayed on the phone.

Within a few minutes, the senior staff of the radio station was assembled. program director Andy Travis, receptionist Jennifer Marlow, and DJ's (later to be known as "on-air personalities") Venus Flytrap and Johnny Fever joined Carlson, Nessman, and Tarlek in the large station manager's office.

"We need to come up with a Valentine's Day promotion, its less than a month away," Carlson stated.

Les, as usual, totally changed the subject, "I'm doing an in-depth report on Ronald Reagan, the first year in office. Today marks the one year anniversary of the gipper's inauguration."

Carlson started with, "Les…" Then noticed the absent person, "Where's Bailey? A Valentine's promotion would be just right for her."

Herb offered, "She's on the phone talking about Johnny."

Venus smiled and nudged Fever, "She's talking about you, man."

At about that moment, Bailey came into the meeting. She asked, trying to hide her jealousy with a smile, "Who's talking about Johnny?"

Les, the tattle-tale, answered, "You are, we overheard you in the bullpen."

Bailey blushed, "No kidding you guys over heard me, I felt like just having Herb hold the phone he was so close. But I wasn't talking about _our _Johnny."

Johnny feigned acting hurt, "You have _another _Johnny, tell me who is he, I'll kill him!"

Bailey knew she was being teased, so she let the whole room have it. "I'll have you know while you guys were filling your face with burgers, I was on the phone with Sharon Osbourne. I got her to agree to have _her _Johnny to an interview and promo for his concert at the Riverfront Stadium next month."

Les looked confused, "Who's John Osbourne?"

Andy looked shocked, and said, "Bailey, you got Ozzy Osbourne to do an interview on WKRP? I could kiss you! As a matter of fact I think I will!" On that, Travis kissed Bailey on the cheek. Johnny Fever didn't look too happy.

Later, Venus was giving Johnny a hard time, "Jealous because Travis kissed Bailey?"

Fever said, "No, its just I had a few run-ins with Ozzy years back when he was with Sabbath. He ended up barfing on my microphone."

Venus just looked disgusted. He added, "Well, he's married now, that does change people."

Johnny agreed, "Yeah, it does."

The next morning, Big Guy, Andy, Herb, and Les were talking about the new promotion.

"I don't know Andy," Arthur said, "I heard this Ozzy guy can get wild, Mama may not like this."

Herb echoed the Big Guy, "Yeah, Andy, who knows what he'll do."

Les jumped in, "I agree, maybe we should pass on this and spend more time on Reagan."

Andy replied, "Sure Ozzy's outrageous, that's what makes him so popular. But his popularity will mean a lot more listeners for us. We can double, even triple, our regular rate for time around the Ozzy interview."

Herb picked up on that. Triple rate meant triple commission. Herb quickly recanted, "I dunno big guy, maybe we are a little hasty to judge…"

Carlson said, "Well, Mama usually goes on a Valentine's weekend cruise… maybe she won't be here…"

Andy went into the booth and nodded at Johnny, who was at the console. Venus was just hanging out. AC/DC was playing in the background.

Johnny said, "Now that we got you in a head banging type of mood, we have something special in mind for you next month. Here's a hint." At that, Johnny played 'Crazy Train'

"I don't know Andy," Johnny warned, "Ozzy's a real wild card."

Andy laughed, "Yeah, I heard about the puking on the mike."

Just then Les Nessman burst in. "Special News report," he said in huff, grabbing the microphone.

"Wait until the song's over, Nessman," Johnny threatened, "but I swear if its another Reagan report, your gonna be grabbing that microphone out of a part of your anatomy it has no business near."

Les just grinned, and replied, "Oh, the song is appropriate. And no, this report is not about the greatest living American, far from it."

Les got on as soon as the song was over, "This is Les Nessman, WKRP news with a special report. Rock star Ozzy Osbourne was taken to a Des Moines hospital last night for rabies shots after he bit the head off a live bat on stage. More on this story as soon as it develops." Les added smugly, "Back to you, Johnny."

"Thanks, Les," Johnny said while going to commercial.

Andy looked stunned. First of all, that had to be one of Les' best newscasts. And it actually had to do with the station's format. But secondly, he was wondering what he got WKRP in to.

Johnny just said to Venus, "Yes, I can see Ozzy has changed…"


	2. Ozman Cometh

A staff meeting was immediately held in the 'Big Guy's' office at WKRP. Arthur Carlson was looking very sternly at his desk. Andy Travis, Herb Tarlek, Les Nessman, and Bailey Quarters were present. 

Mr. Carlson was the first to talk, "I think it's obvious that we need to cancel this appearance."

"Absolutely right, Big Guy," Herb agreed.

"He never should have been booked in the first place," Les added, earning him an evil glare from Bailey.

Travis looked thoughtful, then said, "I don't know. This stunt has put him on every news outlet worldwide. I'd be willing to bet this stunt will put sales of _Diary of a Madman _through the roof."

Bailey contributed, "The show will go on as scheduled. I haven't been able to get through to Sharon though, but I'm assuming the interview is still on."

Carlson asked, "Is Sharon his wife or manager?"

"Both," Travis answered.

"Smart man," mused Carlson. Then Carlson was back to business, "So you think this stunt will help us?"

Andy said, "If we still have the exclusive, we will have all the rockers in Cincinnati tuned to KRP."

Carlson offered, "I'll run interference with Momma, if you can get that exclusive."

Les scowled, "I still don't like it."

Later that evening, at the Carlson manor.

"Hirsch, would you please get the door!" the voice upstairs yelled at the butler lounging on the sofa.

"Its what I live for, Madame," the servant replied.

The WKRP Program Director was escorted in. "Mr. Travis," Hirsch announced.

Lillian "Mama" Carlson was not a woman to be reckoned with. She was a powerful woman in the area of Ohio media.

Travis addressed Mama Carlson, "You sent for me, Mrs. Carlson?"

"Yes," Mother Carlson replied, "what is this I hear about bringing this circus act Osbourne to my station."

Andy smiled, "I bet Les couldn't wait to break the news to you. John "Ozzy" Osbourne is a very flamboyant rock star. His antics pack the arenas and make albums go platinum. An exclusive will put WKRP on the map."

Hirsch brought in cocktails humming "Iron Man." Andy smirked. The butler really did like to get Mrs. Carlson's goat.

Mrs. Carlson looked annoyed and ordered, "Very well, you may have your guest. Make sure he minds his manners, and keeps his fangs to himself. I will hold you personally responsible Mr. Travis, are we understood?"

"Yes, Ma'am," Andy replied.

The next morning, Bailey confirmed with Sharon Osboune that Ozzy would still be able to make the interview on Lincoln's birthday. Bailey shared this information with Andy and Herb.

"Ozzy's still willing to do the interview," Bailey reported.

"Great," Andy replied, "Herb, we've got to get as much advertising tie in with this as we can get."

Herb said, "OK, hey I got an idea for a promotion, we can take some live bats and a helicopter…"

"No, Herb," Andy cut him off. "We take the high road on the bad thing, we're not going to bring it up unless Ozzy does. We'll just go with free backstage passes for a couple lucky listeners."

Herb reluctantly went along with the plan.

Johnny Fever broke the news on the air, "Hello Cincinnati, Ozzy Osbourne will drop by WKRP February 12, before his concert at Riverfront Stadium. Two lucky listeners will win backstage passes. Keep listening for more details."

The phones lit up like a Christmas tree.


	3. February 12, 1982

February 12, 1982

Les Nessman walked through the protesters in front of the Flinn Building. He actually agreed with them, but since he was a WKRP employee he was their enemy. They started shouted , "Ozzy go home, Ozzy go home."

When Les got in, he found Travis. "Andy there are people protesting this 'Ozzy' person, whom by the way has nothing to do with Ozzy Nelson."

Andy smiled, "Yeah Les, we got an interesting group out there. Moral Majority along with PETA. I doubt you see those two organizations agreeing on much."

_All Travis thinks about are ratings. _Les thought. _Somebody has to do something. _ Les had an idea. When he got back to his 'office', he called the Mayor's office.

"This is a concerned citizen," Les told the city employee that took his call, "this Ozzy Osbourne concert is bringing a very undesirable element to our city, and dividing our fellow Cincinnatians." Les was assured that the Mayor was aware of the situation.

Soon there was a great deal of commotion in the lobby.

"Hello, I'm Sharon Osbourne, are you the doll I've talked to on the phone?" Sharon asked Jennifer, who Ozzy was admiring.

Jennifer smiled, "No, that was Bailey Quarters."

Bailey was standing nearby, and introduced herself. Soon most of the staff was in the reception area.

Sharon introduced her husband, "Everybody this is Ozzy."

Everyone introduced themselves to the legend. Johnny was noticeably absent, arguing he had to work the booth. He could have put a long record on, but still wasn't too sure about Ozzy. Travis led Ozzy to the booth, and introduced Johnny.

"I seem to remember you," Ozzy said to Johnny.

Johnny said, "I'm surprised you remember. You ruined my microphone, and a pretty good pair of shoes."

Ozzy apologized, "I am sorry about that mate, lets get this show on the road, shall we?"

Johnny was a professional, and agreed. When the record ended, Johnny introduced Ozzy to the audience.

Fever's first question was, "How are you feeling Ozzy?"

Ozzy replied, "I know everybody wants to know about the bat. I thought the bloody thing was a toy. I do feel terrible about what happened."

John followed up with, "I hear those rabies shots are painful."

Ozzy replied with, "Yes, I had to have several painful rabies shots, but that's nothing compared to what the bat had to go through… he had to take Ozzy shots."

That loosened Johnny up and he laughed.

Things were starting to calm down in the lobby when a very large man in a conservative suit entered.

The man showed Jennifer a badge, and said, "Sergeant Hamilton, Cincinnati PD assigned to the Mayor's Office. Is John "Ozzy" Osbourne currently in the building?"

Bailey looked worried, while Les had a smug I told you so look.

Carlson told Jennifer to, "Get Travis" while escaping into his office.

Hearing the intercom buzz him to the front, Travis came immediately.

"What can I help you with, Sergeant?" Andy asked.

"You can help me by confirming if John Osbourne is on the premises," the Sergeant repeated.

"He's in the booth," Les volunteered.

The officer got on his radio, "Batman is in the cave," he announced.

A couple of minutes later, the Mayor himself entered.

"Jennifer Marlowe," the Mayor smiled, "I didn't know you worked here!"

Jennifer smiled at the young bespectacled mayor, "Hello Mr. Mayor," she greeted. Jennifer and the mayor ran in many of the same circles.

The mayor then addressed Andy, "I would appreciate it if you took me to Mr. Osbourne."

Andy complied, "Yes, Mr. Mayor."

Les said to Bailey, "Oooooh, that Ozzy is going to get it now."

Bailey looked at Les, and replied, "Les, you had something to do with this didn't you?"

Les just gave an evil grin.

When Andy, the Mayor, and entourage entered the booth, Johnny was interviewing Ozzy as if talking to an old friend.

Johnny acknowledged the group crowding in the room. "Joining us now is the mayor of our fair city."

Ozzy introduced himself, "John Osbourne, thank you for having us in your city Mr. Mayor."

The Mayor introduced himself, "Jerry Springer. Great to meet you Ozzy, I'm a huge fan."


	4. Diary of an Adman

While Jerry, Johnny, and Ozzy were in the booth, Herb decided to take a walk. Herb Tarlek knew his limitations, that's why he decided to work for KRP in the first place. Everything was fine until Andy Travis started shaking things up. Herb was just an average guy trying to put food on his table for his family. He definitely wasn't into this rock and roll nonsense.

Herb figured he could hide out in Andy's office, as Travis will no doubt be drooling over this Ozzy character for quite awhile. Tarlek was surprised to see somebody was already in there.

"Listen, you bloody well better honour your contract agreements. If you think Ozzy is the madman in our organisation, you obviously have never met our attorney. He bites the heads of off event planners." Sharon Obourne said briskly to the poor soul she was talking to on the phone and hung up.

"Sorry," Herb said meekly, "I thought this office was empty."

Sharon replied, "No, I'm sorry you had to hear that. Some cities are trying to back out of the tour after De Moines. Please, come in and keep me company—Herb, isn't it?"

Herb liked this woman and said, "Yes, it seems you have things under control."

Sharon responded with, "You have to be in control. This is a tough industry. How many radio stations are in your market?"

The sales director answered, "16."

Sharon explained, "Ozzy is a talented genius. The problem is that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of talented geniuses out there. A good manager is the difference between a one hit wonder and a legend."

"I never thought of it that way," Herb mused.

Sharon added, "We're in the same business, Herb. Your product is this radio station. Mine is the love of my life."

That made Herb think. He may not agree with the new format, but WKRP was his station. He had been there longer than anyone except the Big Guy and Les, and he owed it to himself to do his best at sales.

Herb sincerely said, "Thanks, Mrs. Osbourne. I'll let you get back to your business, I've got a promotion to look after."

When Herb made it to the reception area, Mr. Carlson had emerged from his office (after Jennifer said the coast was clear). Bailey and Les were bickering.

"Les! I can't believe you called the Mayor on our guest!" Bailey chastised.

Les said indignantly, "Bailey, have you read the news reports on this person? He throws raw meat at his fans! Cincinnati doesn't need his type!"

Mr. Carlson spoke up, "Raw meat? Good heavens!"

Before Bailey could speak, Herb surprised everyone by saying, "C'mon Les. Its an act! He's just doing what the fans want. So help me if you've done anything to mess up this promotion..."

Les replied with, "Well I'm sure Mayor Springer is taking care of the situation."

Jennifer laughed, "If I know Jerry, which I do, he's probably asking for an autograph."

Les responded with, "Mother told me not to trust a Democrat."


	5. Concert Plans

Johnny found himself mediating a debate between Ozzy and Jerry.

Jerry asked, "What about the throwing of meat at fans? I heard this is how the whole bat thing got started."

Ozzy replied, "Its part of the Ozzy Osbourne experience. Why do you think the people up front pay top dollar to sit up there? They want to get smacked by a pork chop. Listen I'm just a steelworker's kid from Birmingham who had a dream and followed it. Do you have any dreams Mr. Mayor?"

Jerry chuckled, "Well I would like to be governor."

Andy looked up startled. It was rumored that Springer was going to announce his campaign for governor. Did he just do it on WKRP?

Ozzy smiled, "Well I wish you best. Will you be at the concert?"

Jerry replied, "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Ozzy offered, "I'll make sure you're on the list to get back stage."

Johnny used that as his cue and interrupted the debate with, "And two lucky people will also get backstage passes to hang out with Ozzy and the Mayor. This will be an early Valentine's she or he will never forget. We'll take the seventh caller at 555-WKRP"

The phones lit up once again, and Johnny got his winners.

"Thanks Ozzy," Andy said, "Mr. Mayor, you're welcome any time."

Ozzy said, "I will be seeing you guys at the concert, Right?"

Johnny, Venus, Andy all nodded yes.

Ozzy found Sharon, and said goodbye to the staff at WKRP.

Mr. Carlson called the staff into his office.

"We got a sponsor's box at the concert, but I don't know if I want raw meat thrown at me." Mr. Carlson proclaimed.

Andy handed Mr. Carlson a sheet of paper, informing him, "Mr. Carlson, these are the lyrics of Ozzy's hit 'Crazy Train'."

Mr. Carlson looked it over, surprised, "These are actually nice sentiments. Learn how to love, forget how to hate."

Andy said, "We've been through this before. Rock artists are the poets of this generation."

The Big Guy relented, "Well, I guess I'll go."

Herb said, "I'm in."

Venus added, "You know I'm there."

Johnny said, "I guess I'll be there."

Les relented, "Mr. Osbourne seems to be in the news quite a bit, so I'll be there."

Bailey told the group. "I'll be handling the contest winners."

"Lucky contest winners," quipped Johnny, "any chance you'll be handling me?"

Bailey retorted with, "In your dreams, Caravella."

Jennifer raised a few eyebrows with, "I'll be at the concert, but I have other plans."

"OK then," said Andy. "I guess I'll see you all at the concert, well except for Jennifer."


	6. On the Way to the Show

Bailey stretched out in the back of the Towncar Limo that WKRP provided for the concert winners. The limousine then stopped at an apartment complex not too dissimilar from her own. She speculated the complex was full of college students and young adults just starting out in life. Bailey then walked up to the apartment number given to her by the contest winner and knocked on the door.

A balding man who appeared to be in his late twenties or early thirties answered and greeted, "Hello, you must be Miss Quarters. I'm Marty Culp, and this is my fiancée Bobbi Mehan. We are music teachers at Washington Junior High."

Bailey shook the Culp's hand and replied, "Please call me Bailey. On behalf of WKRP, congratulations on winning 'An Evening with Ozzy,' When your ready, the station provided a limo to take us to the show."

The two strange music teachers followed Bailey out to the Lincoln.

After getting in the car, Bobbi said, "We hope to go to California and break into the music business ourselves. As a matter of fact, we have an interview next week with Alta Dena Middle School near Los Angeles."

Bailey said, "Good luck," while wondering what she did to get saddled with these two.

In another limousine on the way to Riverfront Stadium, the conversation meandered to politics. "So Jennifer, what do you think about my chances of being elected governor," Jerry Springer asked the blonde at his side.

Jennifer Marlowe answered, "Mr. Mayor, I think you're chances are fairly good. You're well liked and have good name recognition."

Jerry said, "Thanks Jennifer. Any chance of getting you to run my campaign?"

Jennifer laughed, "Sorry, Jerry, you know I like to stay out of politics. Besides, I'm happy at WKRP."

Cincinnati's mayor smiled and said, "Thanks, Jennifer, you are one in a million."

The other WKRP employees were starting to gather in the Flinn Building garage. The station recently purchased a 1978 Chevy Suburban for remotes that was painted in red and gold with the station letters prominently displayed.

Johnny asked, "Where did this gaudy thing come from?"

Les replied, "Herb got a deal on it from Honest Larry's Used Cars. It seems they were behind in paying for some ads."

Venus said, "I should have known Herb was behind this."

Andy came down to the garage and announced, "I got the temp. DJ set up, so we can roll as soon as everybody gets here."

Venus asked, "Who are we waiting on?"

Andy replied, "Mr. and Mrs. Carlson and the Tarleks."

Venus looked concerned, and followed up with, "How we gonna fit all those people in there?"

Johnny quipped, "I hope you don't mean Momma Carlson."

Andy answered, "No, its Carmen. Also, the Suburban seats nine."

Les complained, "Eight is too much."

Johnny and Venus simultaneously called out "Shotgun!"

Andy felt like he was dealing with children, and decided, "Johnny and Venus, you two ride up front. I'll ride in the middle seat with the Carlsons. Les, you ride in back with the Tarleks." Les showed his displeasure by making a face, but didn't say anything.

Johnny got in the drivers seat, and Venus took the right hand side of the front bench seat. Andy sat on the left side of the middle bench seat. Les sat directly behind the program director in the back bench seat, pouting.

"Do you think it's a wise idea having Fever drive?" Les asked.

Johnny answered, "What's that supposed to… OH NO!" The other four looked to see what Johnny was referring to. Arthur "Big Guy" Carlson was approaching the car, but instead of Carmen on his arm, 14-year-old Arthur Junior was closely following his dad.

The Big Guy and Arthur Junior sat on the bench seat next to Andrew. Arthur Senior said, "After chasing a toddler around all day, Carmen wasn't up for the concert. I though Arthur Junior might enjoy it."

Andrew told the young teen sitting beside him, "Getting to meet Ozzy will make you a hero at your school."

Arthur Junior wasn't a big rock fan, and replied, "Huh, oh crud!"

Looking up Venus said, "Oh, crud is right!"

Just when they though Herb and Louise would be bad, Herb showed up with his 12-year old-daughter, Bunny. Herb explained, "Herb the III has the flu."

Bunny reported, "This vehicle not only chokes out more smog than a mini-van, it also has extremely poor fuel economy. I won't even get into safety concerns."

Arthur whispered to Andy, "She used to beat me up at the WKRP family picnics!"

Andy had to stifle a laugh, and said, "Looks like everybody's on board, let's rock."

Johnny cranked the Chevy a couple of times until it would start, and threw the Suburban in gear. After a backfire that had Herb and Venus ducking for cover, the eight were underway to Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium for what was being billed as the "Rock Show of the Year."


	7. The Concert

Bailey was relieved when the WKRP crew came over to the radio station's box at the concert. The two contest winners were driving her nuts, so bad that she even missed Herb and Les.

"Guys!" Bailey called out, "come over and meet our contest winners!"

"Hello!" Bobbi and Marty called out, "Wait! is that Bunny Tarlek?"

"Oh Lord," Bunny moaned, "Not Mr. and Ms. Nut Job."

"I heard that Miss Tarlek, is that any way to talk to your teachers?" Marty scolded.

Venus consoled, "These are your teachers? Man I feel for you."

Introductions were made all around. As the eleven were staking out seats, Les smugly said, "I have it on good authority Bailey was in error on one important rock and roll fact."

Bailey rolled her eyes and said, "What was that Les."

Les Proclaimed "John Osbourne and Sharon Arden aren't married. They're engaged, but not legally married as you reported."

Andy said, "I thought they were married."

Bailey said in her own defense, "Sharon introduced herself as Sharon Osbourne."

Marty Culp explained, "Sharon and her father Don Arden haven't been on speaking terms since Sharon has taken over Ozzy's career. She very well may be going off of Ozzy's name." Seeing the puzzled looks his way Marty added, "I read 'The Rolling Stone'." On cue, Bobbi and Marty started singing the classic Dr. Hook tune about not realizing the goal of a magazine cover shot.

Bunny cried, "Why me."

Les was looking smug, until Andy told him, "Les, its not important, drop it."

Just then a security guard came up to the WKRP box and said, "Which one of you is Fever?"

Johnny pointed to Arthur Junior and proclaimed, "He is."

The security guard sighed and said, "Mr. Osbourne requested that Dr. Johnny Fever be the one to open the show. Something about a microphone and some shoes."

Andy ordered, "Johnny, get up there!"

Johnny got upstage and grabbed the mike. He looked down at the Mayor's booth, and Jennifer waved up to her coworker. Johnny smiled.

Dr. Fever called out, "Hello Cincinnati! Are you ready to rock?"

Hearing a roar, Johnny called out again, "I said are you ready to rock?"

After a deafening roar Johnny said, "I'm Dr. Johnny Fever from WKRP, and we are pleased to present Mr. Ozzy Osbourne."

After a thunder of applause, Ozzy came on and delivered a hard rocking set.

Mr. Carlson started holding his ears. Andy laughed, and produced a packet of shooter's earplugs. It was a little trick Travis picked up after his first Motorhead concert. A radioman was dependant on his hearing for his trade. The WKRP director put in his earplugs, and assisted the Big Guy, Herb, and Les with theirs. Bailey, Bobbi, Marty, the djs, and the kids declined the earplugs.

After 'Mr. Crowley', Bunny announced, "I'm bored," but nobody could hear her. She went over to her dad and shouted, "I want to get some popcorn!"

Forgetting he was wearing earplugs, Herb shouted back, "OK, Just don't go alone!"

Bailey seemed to have her hands full with the two music teachers, and Bunny didn't want to be seen wandering around with the old folks. So Bunny grabbed Arthur Jr. and said, "C'mon runt, we're getting some popcorn." Even though Arthur Jr. was older, Bunny was still bigger.

After buying a large bucket of popcorn for the two of them, Arthur Jr. asked, "You're not going to beat me up, are you?"

Bunny laughed and answered, "Not right now. Lets look around."

The two wandered around the stadium, then spotted the tour bus. When they walked over to the luxury coach, a rather large security guard stopped them.

"Sorry, this area is off limits." The guard said.

Arthur Junior showed his pass and said, "Read that… it says 'All Access', you can read can't you?"

The guard grunted and let them pass. _Smart-assed kids_ he thought.

Bunny liked the forceful side of Arthur Junior. When they got in the bus, Arthur Junior said, "Cool, look at all…" Before he could finish his sentence, Bunny pinned him on a couch and started kissing him. Not that Arthur Junior was putting up much resistance.

After the last encore, Arthur senior asked, "Where are those kids?"

Andy said, "We'll have them paged and tell them to report backstage."

On the way backstage Herb said, "I'm starting to worry about Bunny. She's in junior high and still bullying boys."

Arthur laughed and said, "I know how you feel, I don't even know if Arthur Junior is interested in girls… and he's a freshman in high school!"

When they got in the tunnel, they saw Bunny and Arthur Junior sitting on folding chairs. Between them was a large looking security guard.

"What did they do," asked Arthur Carlson, senior.

"I caught them necking in the tour bus," replied the security guard.

Andy said, "Now you have something to worry about."

Herb was at a loss to say anything. Any other boy, he would wring their neck for doing that with his little girl. But this was the 'Big Guy's Little Guy.' Plus he was kind of relieved that Bunny saw boys as something other than punching bags.

Arthur was torn on whether to punish or congratulate his son.

Overhearing the conversation, guitarist Randy Rhoads broke the tension by saying, "Necking in the tour bus? That's my job!" That gathered a laugh from everybody, including Ozzy.

Jennifer and Jerry joined the WKRP group back stage with Ozzy, Sharon, and the band.

Bailey walked up to Sharon and said, "I apologize for identifying you as Mrs. Osbourne. I thought you two were married."

Sharon laughed, "That's quite all right. Ozzy and I are getting married in the summer. Plus I liked practicing being 'Mrs. Osbourne' at the station. That's why I played along."

Bobbi said, "Who else is getting married? Why me, Bobbi Meehan."

Marty added, "And me, Marty Culp."

Bunny said, "For the love of God, make them stop."

Marty found a keyboard that was hooked up and started playing Sabbath riffs. Marty then said, "But as for you, Bunny Tarlek, and Arthur Carlson, jr, it's time to say 'Goodnight to Romance.'"

Bunny moaned, "Noooooo.'

Marty and Bobbi started performing Ozzy's tune of that name, launching into a medley of Ozzy and Black Sabbath tunes. Randy grabbed an acoustic Yamaha guitar he had back stage and accompanied the music teachers.

After the Culp and Meehan were finished, and Bunny was thoroughly embarrassed, Ozzy came up to the two. The madman of rock and roll said, "That was insane."

Bobbi and Marty said, "Thank you, Mr. Osbourne. We've got interviews next week to be the directors of the music program at Alta Dena Middle School on the coast."

Bailey apologized to Sharon, "I'm so sorry for this."

Sharon laughed and replied, "That's quite all right. I think we can make a call to the Alta Dena Middle School on the Meehan/Culp's behalf."

_A/N: Dedicated to the memory of Randy Rhoads, a true guitar artist. _


	8. Kentucky Women

Arthur Carlson looked across his desk at his staff. They definitely were not pleased about coming in on a Saturday. He could hardly blame them. They were up fairly late the night before at the Ozzy Osbourne concert. Not exactly the "Big Guy's" form of music, but it was a good promo for the station.

Carlson started off with, "You're probably wondering why you are here."

Dr. Johnny fever asked, "Yes, why are we here?"

Carlson looked at Andy Travis and said, "Well, Travis, tell them."

Travis looked surprised and replied, "I didn't call this meeting, you did."

Carlson looked puzzled and inquired, "Did I? I don't remember calling it."

Les interjected with, "Maybe this would be a good time to talk about my walls."

Herb complained, "Come on Les, I didn't come on a Saturday in to listen to you go on about your walls."

Bailey declared, "I'm sure there must be a good reason why we are here."

Jennifer Marlowe then made an entrance announcing, "Yes there is. I was the one who called this meeting."

Venus asked incredulously, "You called the meeting?"

Jennifer answered, "Yes, I called the meeting. Ozzy and Sharon were so impressed with our handling of the concert, they invited us to their hotel in Lexington Kentucky for a Valentine's party tonight."

Herb looked a little lecherous and said to Jennifer, "You have a date?"

Jennifer looked a little seductive and cooed, "Well Jerry's busy. I was hoping Lester would escort me." The secretary then left the room.

Herb soon exited, but told Les on the way out, "I'll get you."

Venus said "Well, I got to find me a lady. I don't have the Nessman touch." The DJ continued, referring to a banquet the news director took the secretary to a few years back, "Second date, Lester. You know what that means."

Les asked, "No what does that mean."

Johnny said, "Means you two will be sharing a room."

Les looked very nervous, but Baily reassured him with, "Don't listen to them, Les."

After finding sitters for the kids (who of course complained that they were far to old for sitters), the Carlsons made the two hour ride to the Kentucky city in the back seat of the Tarleks' Cordova. The rich Corenthian leather was comfortable, but it didn't offset the unease caused by the Tarleks' constant bickering. When Herb and Lucille weren't fighting, the sales director was constantly giving new pitches to Arthur. It was a long trip.

The group in the Suburban had a better time. Andy and his date, a lawyer of all things he met at the concert, were up front. Johnny and Bailey, who insisted they just couldn't find anybody else to go with at such short notice, took the middle seat, while Venus and his lady friend took the rear. They spent most of the trip listening to some of Andy's vast 8 track selection. They sang along with everything from Johnny Cash to Johnny Rotten.

Johnny asked, "Where is Les and Jennifer."

Bailey answered, "Jennifer is driving Les up to the concert in her car."

Andy laughed, "I hope Lester knows what he is getting in for."

Jennifer had a nice quiet drive up. Les hardly said a word. She took it for shyness. Soon they arrived at the hotel. Les was a gentleman and helped Jennifer with the bags. Actually he almost fought the bellman when the hotel employee attempted to handle the blond receptionist's baggage.

When they got to reception. Jennifer spoke first, as Les was having trouble with words. "Jennifer Marlowe checking in." She told the clerk.

The reservations clerk looked at the newly installed computer system and said, "Yes Ms. Marlowe, I see you are sharing a room." Les dropped the baggage.

Jennifer said, "Les, are you all right? You look like you are about to faint! I told you to let the bell hop handle the bags."

The clerk informed Jennifer, "Your room-mate, Miss Quarters, has already checked in. We would be happy to help you and your friend with your luggage." The clerk signaled a bell hop who took Jennifers bags and Les' overnight bag.

Les stammered, "Bailey, you're sharing a room with Bailey."

Jennifer smiled and said, "Of course Les. Who else would I be rooming with?"

Les relieved replied, "Oh, I thought you might have gotten a room by yourself." Les then quickly turned to the clerk, "Les Nessman, WKRP News."

The clerk smiled and told Les, "Yes, Mr. Nessman. I have you in with a Dr. Fever."

When Les entered the room, Johnny put down his Jack Daniels and cried out, "Lester! I was hoping we could work something out with room arrangements, but the girls insist on staying together."

Les said, "That's quite all right."

Johnny took another sip of his Bourbon and said, "Well they sure know how to make whiskey in Kentucky. Anyway, the night is still young. Who knows—there still may be time to change bed assignments." That did not assure Les at all.

It wasn't long before it was time to head down to the ballroom for Ozzy and Sharon's Valentine's Day party. Even though Ozzy just had come from doing a show, he was in rare form.

Andy said to Mr. Carlson, "Ozzy is definitely nocturnal."

The big guy answered, "So are vampires."

Most of the evening was spent on the dance floor. The Carlsons were pleased at the number of "traditional" dance songs the DJ played. Arthur was expecting an evening of loud rock, but it turned out to be fairly romantic.

After a couple of hours, the couples started dismissing themselves upstairs to the rooms. Soon, all that was left was Bailey, Johnny, Jennifer, and Johnny.

Bailey said, "Well, I'm exhausted. I'm about ready to head upstairs"

Jennifer agreed, "So am I, I think I'll join you."

Johnny said, "Already?"

Les was kind of relieved. He was afraid he might end up having to entertain Jennifer in his room while Johnny tried pitching woo with Bailey. Nessman volunteered, "I'll walk you ladies up to your room."

Johnny gave Les a dirty look, and said, "Yes, we'll walk you up."

After dropping the ladies off at their room, Johnny told his room mate, "Man, we have to work out some sort of signal system."

Les surprised Johnny by quipping, "John, I'm surprised nobody warned you of the dangers of fishing off the company pier."

The next morning the WKRP group joined Ozzy and Sharon for a Valentine's Day Sunday brunch.

Sharon said, "I'm glad you could come down here. We had such a lovely time in Cincinnati Friday night."

Ozzy agreed, "Your town rocks."

Bailey replied, "Thanks for inviting us. We hope you'll come back through our city soon."

Andy said, "Hear hear!"

Venus looked at the fine young woman on his arm and said, "That was one righteous party."

Ozzy said, "Well, it was a good night for romance."

Everybody groaned at the play on words, except for Mr. Carlson, who admitted to Carmen later that he didn't get it.


End file.
